| (no subject) |
[Dec. 21st, 2007|05:23 pm] |
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i really really really like it up the butt. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2007|09:05 pm] |
oh live journal,
dont let anyone tell you that you arent special anymore. just because everyone stopped writing in you when they left the 10th grade doesnt mean that arent an integral part of some peoples lives, so thanks for that
but i think it's time i grew out of that phase. what good can come of typing up a bunch of my problems and having 5 or so people read them? i almost see this as another enabler. by venting here, i feel better....but no problems get solved. its the story of my life. i complain and feel sorry for myself, but i do NOTHING to help it. im overdue for a change. i need to grow some fucking balls, get out of my room, and dominate the shit out of life.
see, now im venting again.
and i guess this is where all of that ends
well, in an "whining over the internet" sense, that is |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 13th, 2007|07:38 pm] |
i've been in a heavy state of depression for about 2 or 3 months. i havent told anyone, seeing as i'd be called a pussy and it would never been taken seriously.
theres a constant pressure on my chest. its the same pressure you feel when your seconds away from hysterical crying...only i am completely unable to break down. every second of the day, i want nothing more than to let that shit painful sadness out. a few tears will fall, but i can never push hysteria out. the only way that is sure to work is if i talk to someone. the first syllable would roll off my tongue, which would be immediately followed by my throat closing and the flood gates opening.
but i dont trust a soul with that. for those reading this, i know you're probably my friend, maybe even a good friend, but i've never had someone to be vulnerable with, other than paige. i recently almost got back together with her based solely on the fact that i needed security and comfort from someone. it's just a fucking shame that after 20 years and countless friends, i've had to hold back every fucking little thing, or else id get made fun of in some way or another. i know thats how "we" are, but i mentally can't accept that i cant tell anyone anything anymore. not only that, but most of my friends treat me with such disrespect, almost as if they're doing me a favor by being my friend and i have to make it up to them. and for the record, i said MOST of my friends. not just one, but not all either. i have never been shown the openness that i deserve.
and when i say "deserve," i say that with the utmost confidence and conviction. i know who i am. i know how i think. i have done SO fucking much for every one of my fucking friends. i never EVER fucking say no to anyone. it's not because im nice and i want to, it's because i have a huge conscience and an ego big enough that prevents me from saying/doing anything that will make people think less of me. it makes me physically sick if i know someone's mad at me because of something i did or didnt do, so i dont take those chances.
this led to me being walked all over by everyone.
year after year, as if i was everyones bitch
doing whatever i was told without any question
so my own fucking friends wouldnt be mad at me, and would maybe treat me with respect one day
but i digress
the depression has also recently manifested into an eating disorder. if im sober, i probably wont be eating anything. my stomach sucks the algae off my spine, yet looking at an amazing plate of pasta or the perfect burger, my mind tells my body that its absolutely disgusting, and upon ingestion, ill probably throw it up. my mom just made one of my favorite dinners, and all i could do was stare at it and try not to gag.
i've almost completely detached from reality in two ways.
first, in the sense that pain, happiness, fear, love, time, life, and death are becoming just words to me now. the relativity of everything in this universe is incredible, and we live in a world thats being destroyed by our own emotions. what are these feelings we have? impulses that get relayed to the enemy upstairs, which is followed by the "appropriate" physical and mental reaction.
what if you could deconstruct those "feelings?" it's a matter of constantly reminding yourself that what your feeling is only what your being told to feel.
then its a matter of getting the best of your brain, and telling it how you WANT to feel.
easier said than done.
i know that seems very strange for me to say, but if theres one upside to a constant depression, its that you're given a chance to really explore inner workings of your mind.
the second being that i'm forgetting what its like to "live." i've been house ridden due to the shear terror and awfulness that lays just beyond the front door, and spans as far as the eye can see. i no longer feel comfortable in the real world, so the safety of my room has been keeping me sane, and at the same time, driving me absolutely stir crazy.
last night, i laid in bed thinking about the future. every single thought that popped into my head scared the living shit out of me. becoming independent from my parents, having a job that im sure ill despise going to, the unavoidable death of everyone i know and love, and my own death being a burden on anyone left who cares.
pessimism
unfuckingavoidable now days.
so i smoke a shit load of weed every single day by myself. call it what you will, but it's one of the only thing keeping me from 24 hours of straight pain and suffering and allowing me to eat. its the only thing that will consistently not let me down. its the only guaranteed way that i know of that will let me be at total peace with the world.
as always, though, there's some kind of amazing irony that shits all over any solution
im beginning to believe that, in the long run, the weed is bringing out the depression even more.
plus, theres the fact that i only have one real friend to smoke with, while most of the others just think its a disgusting dirtbag habit.
why is it that i feel this way?
easy
everything written above
my self imprisonment has led to these consiquences, which in turn, up my sentence.
i'm struggling to keep my faith. my faith in god, humanity, and myself.
writing anymore is pointless.
EDIT****
ok so its about 20 min after i wrote all that and and i just smoked for the first time today, because i was so bummed about everything i wrote. but wtf hahaha. who the fuck do i think i am? haha was i trying to be artsy or something with the way i wrote it? well i guess that just goes to show you how much of a whiny little bitch i am when im sober. it sucks reading that shit when im like this, cuz i see just how pathetic im getting. my morals have always been to just have a good fucking time and live your life. dont worry about the world or how ridiculous nonsensical things work. why should i care? im not BEING sick. im just, well, sick.
**
3:30am
the high is gone, and once again my mind is swarmed full force with fear and sadness.
this is what it's come to. everyone in their right mind is fast asleep, and im sitting in 1984's most uncomfortable chair, debating whether or not to take a hit or 2 so i can go to sleep. it's come down to me breaking the law, scavenging and paying INSANE amounts or money for some solace and a return to normality in the form of a fucking plant. in order for me to function as a normal human being, i need to be high... and im all out. it's come down to me taring myself apart for a literal hour over my lack of weed, and if i should use up whats left to try and go to sleep, or save it for when i need it tomorrow.
i have to fucking STRESS about a mother fucking plant, because it keeps my life in balance.
i sound like a fucking junkie in training
fuck me....im so fucking fucked. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 22nd, 2007|07:58 pm] |
the blood center called.....again......and my mom picked up the phone by accident (we usually ignore them because i told them i dont want to donate yet they call once a month)
so she yells upstairs that they are on the phone. i yell back down
"Tell them i have really intense parasites"
thinking she had her hand over the mic
so she told me just to pick it up and i did upstairs
i said "hello?"
he says "Is this aaron cohen"
i say "yes"
he says "well you sound way too immature to give blood so im going to take you off the list."
then he hung up
my mom made me feel really guilty about it. the old me would have found that hilarious. wtf? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 11th, 2007|03:01 am] |
so i found out how to make big money in the music industry. its not about being in a band or anything like that
its about....
...
.
.
.
.....
ambient space music!
i know that sounds completely ridiculous, and it is, but its 100% true. think of every discovery channel documentary about earth or other space. think about the soundscapes in movies. planetariums and airports buy them. if you look it up online, there are more options to lease a song then to buy it. these songs are meant for big companies to buy out. plus, theres absolutely no one who does it!. theres like 10 big guys and thats it.
and the best part is...
its so fucking easy! all you need is a very basic understanding of music, the patience to write a 10 minute improvisational song, and probably some type of drugs. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 31st, 2007|03:03 am] |
why is it that i have yet to own/drive a car that has yet to not be shit? the van broke down, the other white car was sold and sucked anyway, and now the nissan fucking caught fire today on vets. my cars suck balls.
i just wish my van worked. i miss showing off billymarks face to the world. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 28th, 2007|04:26 pm] |
i flew in that today. my moms cousin is a really really good pilot and bought this recently. he wanted to take the family up today and i had to do it. when i was a kid i fucking loved planes from the 40's. old war planes have always fascinated me so much. i forgot how much i wanted to be as pilot...well, till today. my insane fear of heights held me back and made me forget how much i wanted to fly planes like that. well, after being up in that i realized that as much as i fucking HATE heights, i can be in a plane like that with no problem what so ever. it feels so natural and incredible. my cousin said he will give me lessons (hes a licensed instructor) as long as i can help him maintain the planes. the amazing thing is that just being around aircrafts like that, and theres a ton of them in this little airport, is a dream. cleaning planes and shit isnt a job for me, its a privilege. it gives me a reason to wake up early and makes me feel so amazing.
fuck yea.
in other news, it seems that my phone takes awesome pictures, and thats just on medium quality. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2007|02:51 am] |
music, itself, is dying
please God, give us something/someone that will cause a musical revolution.
it needs to change now. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 19th, 2007|09:04 pm] |
"every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it
so that means that every single day that you see me
thats on the worst day of my life"
everything's going wrong. im afraid im about to hit rock bottom.
my episodes are lasting so much longer and are getting more intense than i could have ever imagined.
i've never had a problem that couldnt be fixed, let alone that I couldnt fix.
knowing that my happiness is so fucking far away, and, no matter what i can possibly think of, i cant get it back
hopefully i can see someone soon and eat a shit ton of their feel good pills so i can slip back into normality.
what i would give to wake up happy again. |
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| Very Important |
[May. 6th, 2007|12:19 pm] |
i write this without any regard for anything i have written in this so far.
i just had a really long talk with my dad about bamboozle, responsibility, selfishness, and money and i can honestly say that hes an amazing parent. i wish more parents were like him. if that were the case, kids would be so much better off. imagine telling your parent something that involved you wasting their money (pretty significantly) and having them tell you that although it sucks, the money is gone and theres no reason to be frustrated or unhappy about it. my mom yelled at me this morning because i didnt want to go. she kept bringing up school and all the other bad shit thats been piling up just so she could prove her point and make me look bad. my dad let me say what i wanted and never once did or said anything that would be, in any way, counter productive to him helping me.
and on that note, my views on life in general have changed. i have nothing but a prosperous future to look forward to. dwelling on the past will get me nowhere but in a straight jacket. i've dicked over my best friends, started smoking weed regularly, completely fucked up my schooling, not had a job, and have been overall really irresponsible. everything i did was solely for my own happiness. all of that shit has really been getting to the point where im getting really disgusted with myself. i think about what im going to do the next day and i freak out because i either have to avoid someone or do something i dont want to do because i promised someone i would (which would lead to me canceling and going to do something more fun for me). i fucking hate living like that. i want to wake up feeling great about my plans for the day, or if there weren't any, i could just call anyone and have a good time.
i struggle with every decision i make. this all has to do with me going through an awkward change, i suppose. i've been feeling so much different on the inside, lately. all i want to do is relax. i dont want to go out and do crazy shit anymore. i dont want to be ridiculous, obnoxious, and annoying (unless im partying or playing a show). also, it takes a lot for me to want to go out. i dont like hanging out and playing video games or watching movies and shit. i dont even like going out and doing dumb shit. i like to go to seaford to see my girlfriend, parties, band practices, my shows, or anything that seems like it would be awesome for me. then theres smoking, but ill get to that. the piece of the "old me" that's still there is the piece that is so worried about everyone and everything. it may not seem like it now, but my conscience is beyond huge and i also really care about what my friends think of me. i will say yes to everything. im always counted on because i make promises without thinking at all. thats where the problem is. i make promises because the "old aaron" piece of me still thinks that his friends would like him better if he made them, and if someone were to ask me something, i feel like id be a dick by saying no. i cant help but tell people i will do things. its just an instinct. thats why everyone fucking takes advantage of me, and is, pretty much, the only reason why i get picked on and stuff with friends. thats when the new aaron takes over and fucks it all up. i want to just relax either with myself or some other people. i used to just make promises, then suck it up and do them like a bitch. now, i get stuck with these decisions. i can either do what i have to do and have a shitty time and be unhappy. sometimes i even fuck myself over (school for example). my decisions will be what i want to do from now on. i wont do anything im unhappy with unless it involves an important responsibility or helping someone out. im a sucker for helping people, and if you ever need me for anything, i will do it in a heat beat. other than that, every decision i make will be what i want to do. not what anyone else wants. if i think im going to be unhappy, then ill have to start finding nicer/more aggressive ways to say no.
ive been lying through my teeth to so many people. the reason i lie is because i cant just tell someone "i dont feel like hanging out." i cant do that for 2 reasons. one is that i would feel like a total asshole saying no to a friend like that and i think they would hate me. the other is im not allowed to half of the time. my friends have a way of pressuring me pretty intensely into doing a ton of shit that i dont want to do (going back to the "i can never say no" and people taking advantage of me thing). so i go ahead and lie to someone when i tell them i cant do what i said i would do. this just leads to lies upon more lies and so on. eventually, i dont even know how to keep up with the lies, all the while feeling horrible for lying to my friends in the first place.
smoking. like i said before, everyone thinks im a dirtbag. i smoke very often and i love it. i always thought that i was getting dirtbaggy and shit, until it hit me (no pun intended). im so high strung lately. all of my poor decision making has made me so stressed out and a little depressed. that, along with my "i dont want to go out or do anything" attitude is so bad. when i do smoke, i love doing anything. it puts me in a good enough mood to say yes to people, but have a really good time while doing whatever im doing with them. when im fucked up, i love watching movies, playing games, going out and doing nothing,or really anything. decisions are so much easier for me. im generally a nicer person and im never ever fake, unless i have to keep up a lie to someone so i dont get caught. i hang out with john cirrone all the time because me and him are very much on the same level. we smoke, then we go do all the shit we wouldn't normally do sober. i know people see kids who smoke as shady, but im not pot head shady. i dont blow people off because i need to get fucked up. i blow people off because its something i dont want to do at all, then usually end up getting fucked up and being happy.
i know that everyone thinks less of me for it. its something thats looked down upon by so many people, and i dont see why, but whatever. i cant change the way people see certain things, but i can say this. smoking weed, in general, makes me much more outgoing. in fact, i love going out and doing shit when im high. it boosts any fun i should be having, and gets rid of any and all stress. i wouldnt do that before i hung out with anyone of my friends ive had for a while (besides john), because thats just disrespectful. i may not like someones stance of weed, but i will always respect it.
i wish everyone knew i didnt hate them. i love my friends. i wish i wanted to do random shit all the time so i could see them every day. i wish it was ok to hang out with them high and not have them be like "oh look at aaron. hes fucked up. what an asshole" (but that wont ever happen, so it really doesnt bother me at all). overall, i just want to be on the level with all of my friends that someones good friends should be at. i want to not lie and see them and be happy.
my past is irrelevant.
my future is what i need to focus on
im sorry. i hope everyone can look passed all of this and let me kinda start fresh. i dont know what i can do about the whole not wanting to hang out without being fucked up, but i'll find something, i hope.
from now on, my past is exactly what it is. my past. its everything that has happened and can not be changed. looking at it it useless, unless i want to slip into depression.
i just need to let go and be 100% me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2007|01:59 am] |
i have a very happy and exciting future to look forward to
these past few days have made me feel absolutely amazing and it feels fucking awesome |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 24th, 2007|03:24 am] |
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so its 3 am exactly. im really really baked, listening to music, and talking to this girl i like online. all the lights are out and i have both windows open because its really nice out. i paused the song for a second for some reason and at that moment i hear a horrible screeching noise and a huge smash. then, the worst shit, i heard a car horn just blowing. a car on the road right next to my house just got totaled. i thought the guys head was laying on the horn, with all the circumstances applying, i start bugging out a little. i think about a gguy trapped in his car knocked out or dead or i think about someone who just crashed through a house or something. all you can hear is the car horn in the most dead silence. then, almost al lat once, there were a TON of sirens. so now its the horn and a huge amount of sirens. i ended up freaking myself the FUCK out and not being able to move. then i head the sound of metal cutting metal. now its just dead silence. fucking so weird. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2007|11:31 pm] |
shes right
i havent been happy in many many years.
all i do is smoke now. its the only thing that allows me to, not be happy, but make me forget how unhappy i am. i was a very innocent kid years ago. then i met paige and ruined my life essentially. i havent been happy since. she consumed me and made me feel horrible, but at the same time, very fulfilled. i let her take my life and crush my spirit.
yes. im a dirtbag. im a huge fucking dirtbag now. im sure thats what everyones been saying lately. "wow, aarons really turned into a real dirtbag."
but you know what, fuck you. fuck you becacsue im sure if your reading this, you have taken advantae of me in some way or another and that has lead me to that path. see, i smoke because shit happens. she happens because i get used. im extremely passive and a total pussy, so even my best of friends walk right over me. infact, most of my really good friedns are some of the meanest assholes to me that i have ever seen. i put up wsith it becaause i have funa t times, but im nevr really happy.
paige took advantage of me in the cruelest of ways. she got my heart and shut gashed it open. i dealt with everyone else doing it till paige happened. now every time someone hits me really hard for fun because i wont do anything back (and boy does that apply for almsot everyone), makes fun of me for no reason what so ever, shoots down my self esteem, talks me into doing shit that no one wants to do, or leads me on for a while just to make themselves feel better, i get more and more destroyed.
all of this happens on a more than daily basis.
im never happy, ever. i want to really be in love and have really solid friends. instead im jsut made fun of to the point where i have absolutely no confidence with girls, and as for the having solid friends, itss the friends that soot me down so much.
i would kill for a beautiful girl who respected me for who i was and treated me jsut as well as i know i would treat her. someone i can talk to without feeling like im about to be made fun of or taken advantage of. someone who fills me with enough happiness to get me to stop getting fucked up.
so fuck all of you, for the most part. my only friend these days is john cirrone. he has no time to make fun of me or anything, because chances are were too fucked up. if you think im a scum bag or that ive "changed", then whatever. you can blame yourselves. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 18th, 2007|01:47 am] |
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for the record id like to say that i love my friends and fuck bitches. tonight was really fucking awesome. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 6th, 2007|10:31 am] |
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trying to go to school today, my van wouldn't shift out of park. my transmission has been going for a while, but now it's finally is shot, i guess. i don't know shit about cars, so i go back into my house and tell my dad and he starts screaming at me about how i break everyones car and how i shouldn't rely on my parents. his parents died when he was younger than i am, so whenever i have a problem, instead of being a good person about it, he just always screams at me about how he didn't have anyone to turn to and shit. instead of being a fucking parent that can help their kid, he just screams about how I'm so lucky to have both parents. when will that fat asshole learn that thats something i have known for almost all of my life. fucking dick. now hes bashing me to my mom and i think he just called me retarded. it's also funny how my mom goes straight to my dad for the story. she talks to him and not me, but thats something i've gotten very used to over the years. fuck them. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 26th, 2007|02:07 am] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | General Patton V.S. The X-Ecutioners | ] |
it stopped snowing
its sorta raining
ill have school tomorrow
fuck that
i cant wait for my triforce tattoo |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 19th, 2007|02:00 am] |
watching futurama on mute with the closed captions was not only unfunny, but turned the show into a sort of serious and somewhat corny drama. weird shit.
today was sad
tomorrow will not be |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 18th, 2007|03:32 am] |
i need to start writing stuff down because theres a ton of shit i want to do and i end up forgetting it. i always hear really cool shit in songs or have really good ideas that i want to use somehow, and my attitude is that i have my whole life to accomplish everything...but i cant ever remember anything. if all goes according to plan, i will have made a million songs using every different instrument i can get my hands on with amazing melodies and shit....but....im lazy and can only really play the drums and sing i guess. i WISH i can play guitar.
theres this one instrument, i think its called a kokyu. its an asian string instrument that i have always loved the sound of till i heard it in an episode of avatar (the only anime show that i will ever watch). the way it was used was incredible. the emotion it conveyed was unmatchable by any other single instrument. i could go on and on about it, but i wont in fear that i will sound like a fag.
i know in the incubus song aqueous transmission, thats the instrument featured in there. it doesnt sound exactly the same, but that could just be the playing style and notes. the one on the show had a much fuller and rich sound. the instrument on the incubus song (the kokyu) sounded much thinner and more high pitched. the timbre is almost the same, but i cant help but think its different. reguardless, i will find out and proceed to purchase and master it.
speaking of that song, i really love all of the instruments featured in it. the kokyu, the asian flute type instrument, and the string section. music wise, that song is dead on perfect. i would kill to be able to write a song like that. thats 100% one of my many many many goals that i always forget.
i really have a strong passion for asian instruments. i would really like to go to Japan and see an authentic display of their music and culture. thats another goal. i honestly think that would be a life changing experience. theres something about those instruments and the emotion that gets put into and comes out of them that is just completely extraordinary.
im thinking a lot all of a sudden. like, within the past hour, i realized that there is just so much fucking shit that i need to accomplish before i die. im sure if i did the math, at this rate, everything could be done when im around 300. i need to really get a hold on my life and think about what i want and need.
i really could talk for hours and hours about this. i could keep typing forever and ever about how i want all of these things. i can go on and on about how my life has no meaning what so ever if i dont complete the millions of goals i give to myself every day. i see or hear something and it could (and probably will) set some standard or goal in my head.
its late and im tried and i have to be up early tomorrow. i love the world, i love my life and i love everything i have. life is way to fucking short to spend is miserable or questioning everything. enjoy it for what it is. it may not be far some or most of the time, but for fucks sake...love yourself and the people around you. there is no other way to be ultimately fulfilled and happy. you can argue and say that were all living a lie and that theres so much bad shit going on all over the world and theres no answers and all that shit, but in the end, it leads to a spiral of more questions and more negativity.
just love what you have.
happiness is so much easier than people think
i have no idea how any of this came about |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2007|02:40 am] |
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kiss the sky is fucking awesome |
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